Closed Hands on Open Arms Hold Nothing

I finished another small programming project this weekend but somehow I don't have the will to talk about it today. I want to share a song instead.

Saetia - Closed Hands (1997)

It's not their best song. I'd probably give that to One Dying Wish or Venus & Bacchus. But it does start on a downtempo-enough melancholia that listeners not acclimated to 90's screamo will not immediately turn away from it.

Lyrics

It goes like this.

She died long before that day
I know this
Tortured, grieving heart of mother no longer knew her own being
And as the sun set on another
You fell through dying dreams, but could not catch them
And I could not catch you

Hiding below my shadow
Yet dancing above my fears
I grip sorrow's edge
As you crumble to fall at my soul's tears
I have not forgotten you
But sometimes I can't help feeling numb
Feeling numb through and through

Closed hands on open arms hold nothing

Growing out of emo?

I used to listen to music like this all the time. Heart on sleeve. Extremely melodramatic.

I still like the sound but to my adult ears, it's music by and for people who have just begun to experience sadness. It's like in Game of Thrones when they measure children by the amount of winters they've endured. These aren't the laments of someone who has experienced loss after loss after loss. But maybe's that just my own bias due to how I cope these days.

Not exactly

In any case I can't emotionally relate anymore because current era me doesn't have this same emotional response anymore. It sounds ridiculous to say it but I find the "idgaf" vibes of 2010s cloud/meme rap to be closer to how I cope with sadness now than this. I pour ice over it and bask in the cold and the irony. I'm a real screamo teen that grew up and became a midlife crisis era drainer. Don't ask me how that happened.

Why am I talking about this?

Someone from Agora Road said that my site reminded them of a song by Metallica called King Nothing. It wasn't this comment that made me sad. I was already sad but it got me thinking.

I'm not really a listener of that kind of music but I played a portion of it and certainly agree that I sometimes feel like a king of nothing with an empire of pointless things I've created. I decided to just read the lyrics to get at what this person was trying to say.

King Nothing by Metallica

Wish I may, wish I might have this I wish tonight
Are you satisfied?
Dig for gold, dig for fame, you dig to make your name
Are you pacified?

All the wants you waste
All the things you've chased

Then it all crashes down and you break your crown
And you point your finger, but there's no one around
Just want one thing, just to play the king
But the castle's crumbled, and you're left with just a name
Where's your crown, King Nothing?
Nothin'
Where's your crown?

Hot and cold, bought and sold, a heart as hard as gold
Yeah, are you satisfied?
Wish I might, wish I may, you wish your life away
Are you pacified?

My Empire of Nothing

I wonder if that is how everyone online thinks of me: a cold person that doesn't have feelings, isn't authentic, refuses to reveal themselves, only ever talks about programming, creates projects hoping for status and clout and respect, but ultimately has none of them because no one likes a person like this.

I don't think anyone would argue that I make these things in pursuit of money but I can understand if someone thinks I only do it wanting respect and status and Internet clout.

It's not true. I create things because if I'm not consistently busy all the time, I'm filled with anxiety. So I'm always looking for something to channel my energy into and the thing that is most effective at countering my negative feelings is the natural dopamine hits provided by solving difficult programming problems. So I spend more time doing this than other people and at the end of that, when I'm trying to reach out and connect with people, the thing going on in my brain is the stuff I've been doing. So I'm still thinking about these things I've created after it's done. It's part of the high you get when it all comes together and works and trying to spread and show them off just happens.

This isn't a cry for you to feel bad for me. Other people who haven't figured out how to keep these feelings at bay by staying busy are much worse off than me. I'm just taking a moment to give everyone the authenticity people think they want but don't actually.

Closed hands on open arms hold nothing.

Trying to connect with people over these things... It's what ultimately leads to a post like this one. I try to avoid telling people what to do but here's some advice: When it's time to connect with people, do it with anyone who is not on the Internet.

The empire of nothing isn't going to stop expanding. My behaviors are compulsory.